An Ode to People Magazine
My mom, an English teacher and writer herself, instilled in me from a young age the importance of reading and studying the world’s great texts: religious scriptures, classic literature, and celebrity gossip magazines.
Certainly not all of these are of equal caliber, but that’s a piece of common sense that would be redundant to unpack. Whether or not some texts are considered “good” or “bad,” “sophisticated” or “trashy,” you can always learn from them. They can still shape you. What I gleaned from the Bible versus John Steinbeck versus People Magazine is incomparable, but one lesson isn’t necessarily superior to another.
This is the philosophy I stand by when I tell you People Magazine played a significant part in shaping the person I am today. Before I could read much of anything, I was picking copies of People Magazine off of grocery store check-out shelves. I was drawn to the pretty faces and bright colors on the cover. My mom would toss the newest edition on top of her groceries for that week and we’d read it together in the car. I’d point out people (who, at the time, I didn’t know were celebrities) and ask her what their name was, how we know them, and if we like them. While she ran her next errand, I stayed in the car and tried to fill out the crossword on the last page. I knew none of the answers. It was all “Who eloped with this famous musician on an island in Ibiza?” and “Which co-stars of this 2007 Academy Award-nominated film allegedly had an affair?”
Over time, through a combination of osmosis and investigative research, the answers to People Magazine’s crosswords came easily to me. I started recognizing the faces on the covers and knowing their names. Soon enough, I could parse out fact from fiction, and recognize particularly salacious headlines that definitely weren’t true. I checked my sources: my mom, MSN.com, and Us Weekly. If Us Weekly corroborated the story, it likely wasn’t true. Us couldn’t be trusted (unlike People, obviously).
Now, as an adult, I can spot a person educated by People Magazine from miles away. There is their general hyper-awareness of pop-culture, of course, but they also have an air of slight unseriousness, which always makes an encounter with them delightful. It is as though we’re in on the same secret. There is a willingness to lightheartedly gossip and divulge information in a way that instantly creates a bond. The content of our conversations may be deemed trivial or unintellectual by others, but neither of us care. We’re having fun. For one brief moment, life isn’t serious at all.
I wanted to share some of the tell-tale signs of those who were raised on People Magazine. To help you, dear reader, spot them as well if you so wish.
1. She got ejected in the first round of her fourth grade spelling bee, but, if her teacher had only asked her to spell “Brangelina,” she could have done so flawlessly.
2. Though not a fan of true crime or murder mysteries, she has a weird amount of knowledge about the Casey Anthony trial because People wouldn’t stop writing cover stories about the case. She was nine-years-old and couldn’t yet conceptualize murder, but she knew Casey Anthony was bad news.
3. To this day, she still thinks Kate Middleton is American because why else would an American magazine publish obsessively about royals who weren’t even the King and Queen? (This is also how she learned about the British monarchy).
4. If taken to trivia as an adult, she will be no help to you until the pop-culture round. Then she will know everything in a way that is both impressive and embarrassing.
5. She is really into George Clooney and has been from a young age—despite him being 40 years her senior—because he was crowned The Sexiest Man Alive by People in 2006 and she took that to heart.
6. She also probably read Tiger Beat and J-14 as a tween.
7. If you mix up Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling or Emma Watson and Emma Roberts in her presence, she likely won’t correct you. She definitely knows which one you’re really talking about, but doesn’t want to seem annoying and/or insane in mentioning it.
8. Despite never having read the Twilight books, she can appreciate Twilight as a cultural phenomenon because she understood the import of Robert Pattinson and Kristin Stewart by how People reported on their on-and-off-again relationship. Only later did she discover that they starred in the Twilight movies.
9. She may or may not foster sympathies for Sandra Bullock because her messy divorce and adoption of two children were chronicled continually by People from 2010-2015 and it caused you to have the realization at twelve-years-old that just because you can share a story doesn’t mean you should.
10. If you ever lose her in a drug store or grocery store, she can be found in the magazine aisle. Always.
Sure, not all gossip should be endorsed. The lives of celebrities should not be overtly exploited. “Paparazzi” shouldn’t necessarily be a profession. Do not spread lies. Do not pray on the downfall of others. These are truths I hold as well. It’s important to cultivate your own opinions, have taste, and employ critical thinking. My mom taught me that, and reading People Magazine is a good exercise.
Might I remind you that gossip and critical thinking are not mutually exclusive. Some people are just bad at one or the other.